Have you ever heard the saying that, if someone is in need of great actors, the place they should be looking is in a church?
We Christians deserve oscar nominations for the way we act, as if everything is peachy and OK, every single day of the year. A lot of us don't want to admit that we stumble and struggle - we harbor everything inside, and don't let it show, for what? Fear that someone will say you're not 'Christian enough'? Fear of being judged?
Sometimes I look at my fellow Christian friends, and remark on how perfect everything seems for them. They always seemed happy, so full of Joy, perfect in some shape/form. I would look and think, wow, I wish I could be like him/her - I wish my relationship with Jesus was as good as theirs seems.. Some-days I would even feel inadequate, like I was doing something wrong within my walk - This is a no-no !
I recently learnt from an amazing female called Kanayo, that we should judge our walk, by the Bible's standards, not by the walk of fellow believers, you see.
So I'm gonna take a step forward, and admit that everything isn't as good as it may seem.
I would like to be transparent with you, because I need help.. I would like to be transparent with you, in hopes that my mess, can become a message, in hopes that my test, can be a testimony, and source of encouragment, inspiration, help - whatever you may be looking for.
I struggle with hostility which stems from bitterness.
And I don't know how to overcome it.
My constant - and I mean constant - prayer has been for healing. Although I pray without ceasing, aspects of bitterness is still evident within my life (My actions, thoughts etc).
This hostility, this bitterness has affected friendships of mine. I don't want to, neither would ever choose, to be known as a bitter/hostile person, but as last yesterday, I realised that I am.
A friend called me hostile, I asked other witnesses (fellow friends in the same setting), whether that was false, and non of them could agree with me. Wow.
This upset me, but I didn't let it show. I don't want to be this way.
What makes it worse, is that I'm only bitter and hostile towards Males.
I have a good idea that it stems from issues from my past - but you know when you read blogs, and they all say the same thing, *cue Frozen soundtrack*, "let it go, let it go", yet you're not provided with steps or ways to actually let it go. It's easier said than done mate.
I can confidently say that I've forgiven every male for hurting me, but I must be fooling myself, because I'm still bitter inside.
Acknowledging the bitterness and the stem is like a first step - ok, I've acknowledged such facts for about a year now - change, where art thou?
I've begun to contemplate the "fake it before you make it" ideology - but I'm not 100% sure whether God would like that approach - he sees our hearts, knows our thoughts, our every being - fake love, fake forgiveness, would not sit well with him.
So I'm stuck.
Don't tell me to let it go. I've heard that too many times. Don't give me a paragraph of steps and measures to take - I'll get frustrated if I don't pass or complete a step effectively.
Pray for me. That's all I want.
I also want you to be honest with yourself. If you know everything is not sunshine and daisies in your life and your walk with God, tell someone, seek guidance.
In the past I used to keep things bottled up, Just to watch them slip out of me in negative ways. The bottling up of how I felt would chew me inside - it was like I was holding unto poison, and the longer it was within my system, the more it destroyed me inside - my thoughts, my moods, all controlled by what I couldn't release. Don't let these negative thoughts, feelings or moods, affect you, or bring you to breaking point.
As the Candor would say, "thank you for your honesty", I would like to say "thank you for your transparency"
Pray for me.
As always..
Be encouraged x
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