I haven't written a blog post in ages ! Honestly, uni and vacationing has occupied soo much of my time ! Forgive me ! There's many things I want to share, and In due time, I shall (By God's grace).
So as you can tell by the title, there's a testimony I would like to share ! I'm in the heat of the moment right now, the reason for my testimony was revealed to me today !
Let me start by saying, I. Have. Grown. And I never realised it, till I poured out what was in my heart to God.
When I was younger, since year 8, I
When I was in year 8 so many females (I went to an all girls school), we're losing their virginity and claiming boyfriends here and there. But not me. I seriously thought something was wrong with me. I had the lowest self esteem, I thought I was ugly, fat, I thought there was something seriously wrong with me, for me to still be single, while every one is going out on dates to the cinema and McDonalds (McDonalds was hot back in the day right?), anyways.. I ended up with a "boyfriend" round year 8/9.. He was someone from church, we only saw each other on Sundays.. that "relationship" was null and void. Second "boyfriend" came in year 11 (what a gap huh?), that "relationship" lasted 2 weeks.. again, null and void (You can't even call that a relationship).
During my secondary school years, there would always be a boy I was "crushing" on.. not a year went by without me dreaming up future dates, kisses, cuddles, with whatever guy was consumed in my thoughts at the time. What did my relationship with God consist of, all this time? Sunday services. Sunday bible readings. Sunday prayers (The only ever time I prayed, was when I really wanted something).
The first actual relationship I had came later in my final year of secondary school. And boy, did I learn a-lot from that relationship. I took what I didn't deserve because I didn't know what I deserved! I was gullible - even my friends told me I was. I would just laugh and disagree, but my 20 year old self looks back and thinks, Yess girl, you was !
There were so many break ups - get back together - break ups - get back together, periods. And during those break up periods, I would seek attention.. seek affection.. from other males.
Valentines day was always a miserable day for me (I've never had a Valentine). I once cried in college because of all the teddy bears roses and love hearts I saw (If I could go back in time, I would tell me younger self that there was nothing to be worried about).
I've been single for 3 years now, and during the past
I've learnt from that hurt.. grown from that hurt.
I focused on my education more, my aspirations more, my goals more.
I'm soo concerned about my future now, that I can't even consider marriage until my dreams of my career have been met (Future Creative Director here)! Boys are so far down my list.. I gats-ta-focus on myself ! Build myself! Grow even more! Become that woman God wants me to be, before someone else can come and become apart of me.. be with me.
The pangs still come - The feel for a relationship, the feel for a guy to cuddle with, to go out on dates with - but as they come, they go, and I remain happily single. Happily focused on me (Sounds gay I know !).
Honestly when they tell you God is enough - He is enough! It will take time to get to a certain point when you're just happy with Him and with Him alone. I'm not at that point yet, but I'm close. It's taken time, it will take time, but we'll get there.
Develop a relationship with God, not because you want a partner out of it! A partner is just one of many blessings from God.. Develop a relationship with God because you want to be whole, because there's a hole you feel needs to be filled.. because your tired of the same thing, going through the same motions - You don't need it ! You deserve so much more ! And you will receive all that more !
Here is a song y'all should listen to ! It's been playing while I've been writing. I hope as you listen, you shall be blessed.
Be encouraged x
Jesus At The Center Of It All - Israel Houghton & Micah Massey - Hillsong Conference
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