What am I doing with the life he spared?

2nd November 2008

I walked up the road. A usual thing I did on Sundays. Pressed the buzzer. Her voice answered. I told her it was me, she let me in. A usual Sunday.
The soup was still on her table. The soup I had delivered the day before. A meal treat from the birthday shindig my mother held for my younger brother. Why hadn't she tried it yet?
Oh yeah. She was saving it for Sunday dinner. She was also saving my trip to Wales talk, with the Sunday school, for Sunday dinner too. I would tell her of the cold nights. The many stars that scattered the night sky daily. The talks that made me grow in faith.
I would tell her.


The cab to church. A usual Sunday. A friend was in tow this time. Not usual.
Service went beautifully as usual. She sang with of the choir. The same position she stood in. As usual.

The youth would gather. All the time after church. This time, not usual, she wanted to be involved in our "fun". Why were we standing in a circle? Why did she want to be in the middle? She was a funny woman.

A funny woman always worried about my security. My welfare. My education. My life. My growth. My faith. She brought me back to Faith. She brought me back to church. And I thank her mightily for that.

It was time to leave. The car was full. She pushed, ushered, willed for me to squeeze in. No, it was too full. Three grown woman in the back, Two in the front. She sat comfortably as apart of that two. In the front.

"She'll get home fine. Don't worry". She didn't have to worry. I got home fine. She didn't.

I wondered why all the people were gathered around my estate. I wondered why all the people were nosily staring at a scene of an accident. I was wondering why people were staring at this car crashed into a tree, and the chaos surrounding it.

I pressed her buzzer as usual. "Is grandma there?" "No". She left before me. In a car. I took a bus. She must have gotten home before I did. Did she divert? Where was she.

When I got home and received that call I willed it not to be true. "She may have been involved in a car accident"
"Please tell me it isn't true. Please tell me it isn't true. No. No. NO". But I knew it was.

Me and my mum sped walked up that road to the scene. My tears grew uncontrollable as we got closer.
"My grandma was in there ! My grandma was in there !"

I had never cried so much in my life.

She died on the scene.

Her last words were. "I'm fine". So I heard. Yet I wasn't in the car to hear her myself. On a usual Sunday I would have been. But this Sunday wasn't usual.

Two deaths. Three casualties.

She never got to eat the soup I left her the day before. She never got to hear my tales about Wales. She never got to see my 16th Birthday, or make that trip to my house on Christmas just to pray for my family and give gifts. My mum hated her walking down the road...


23rd October 2013

You see, I ask myself all the time. What would have happened if you were in that car??
Would you have died too? Would you have had to have multiple surgeries like everyone else??
See, I never knew about Purpose till that moment. I never knew PAIN, till that moment. And today I still cry uncontrollable over that pain.

It will be 5 years next week Saturday, since she passed. I haven't seen her grave in 5 years. I'm afraid. I want to, but I'm afraid. I'm afraid of what I will feel.. What I will see.. The pain I will feel and having to deal with it alone if I make the trip myself.

What led these thoughts on ? My relationship with God hasn't been great. It's like I'm going back to the low period. Back to the doubting, the fear, the feeling of being just, here.. just here. And I don't want that.

God loves me. He saved me. He saved me from death and has done so, so many times. Yet I still question his love. I still don't know what his love feels like.

I've cried enough. I need a hug.

Tasha Cobbs - Grace